Just Let Me

Let me be who i WANT to be. Let me HURT myself, let me FEEL that negative, angry, SAD and lonely energy. I'm sick AND tired of having to be happy, to BE lovely, to be sweet ALL the time. I'm NOT tht person. 

I want to smash, break and burn things. I want to cry, i want to scream and shout. I want to jump off a cliff, a building. I want to leave. I am so sad that everytime somebody asks me if i'm alright, i just want to say no and cry and fall to the ground but can i? I can't. I don't know whats stopping me. I wish that everything could just fall in place and you know, be okay again... This is really sad and i wanna go kill myself later today so WISH me luck. thanks and bye....

When Life Gives You Lemons

When life gives you LEMONS, make lemonade!! NOPE! not for me... What do i make? i make ice cubes out of it. Why ICE CUBES? simple. So that when i do feel like crap, i just put the ice cube on any previous wounds that are still healing and all my PAIN will transfer to the wound. Either that or i just become SUICIDAL... it works both ways.

I know, i know, it doesn't make any sense for me to be such a depressed kid. I'm still YOUNG, ALIVE and i have many things to achieve in the golden years ahead.... Well, BULLSHIT!! I might be 15 but i've gone just as enough crap as a 30 year old would have. Yea, i'm a spoilt kid, i get whatever i want and i basically have a nice family background. But everybody, has their own SECRETS. i'm sick and TIRED of what people want me to be, what i think i'm SUPPOSE to be. I don't want that. I want to be ME. But no, the question is, WHAT exactly is me?

I WISH THAT THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO COULD JUST SIT BESIDE ME, HOLD MY HAND AND TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT... ...

Basically, the only time whereby i feel like MYSELF is when i'm alone, torturing myself.... Want to know the FUNNY part? I can't bear to see me hurt myself but i WANT to do it so badly. I never really did understand WHY i got myself like this. Maybe its because i have to KEEP being this particular person when DEEP DOWN inside i know i can't live up to it. But i still TRY. When i'm alone, I feel really lonely and HURT but yet i have this sense of HAPPINESS and SECURITY. its the ONLY time i get to be me: hurt myself but not really seeing it, just feeling the pain.

Yes, i have friends, family and all that kind of people to help me get through this but sometimes, i just want to be heard and SOMETIMES, i wish that there was someone who could just be my listener. They don't have to solve my problems, just listen.

As you can SEE from the title, this post will be about my Boyfriend!! Eeeeppp!!! He's not EVERYTHING i wan him to be but come on, NOONE is perfect. He's fine. He's a good guy, sometimes he goes abit overboard but he's caring, understanding and he's just AWESOME. For now at least...

He and my other FRIENDS visited me when i was sick, i had FEVER... poor me:(  CHEY! self praise much? haha!! Ok, haha... he got me a FLOWER! a FAKE one. its pink!! YAY! HE also got me a red rose, a real one on Teacher's Day. I saw Danial on Teacher's Day... He looked at me... but didn't say anything... sad. I'm really THANKFUL to those who came to see me when i was sick. Thanks Guys!! Ya'll made me ALOT BETTER!!

Me and my Boyfriend did many things and had many MOMENTS during these 5 weeks. We bought COUPLE rings for our ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY. Black stainless steel rings. We got it from couple lab at tampines one. We have yet to ENGRAVE it. He also bought me a Skirt!! Cool or what? He's different from MOST of the guys i dated. So, he's a KEEPER!! <3

Am I OK?

Okay so i'm back. Hmmmm where to begin? Oh yes... i think i'm crazy.
 I have this image in my head that somehow or rather, my boyfriend's gonna BREAK UP  with me for no apparent reason. I do not know why. Weird.

But HONESTLY, i really am scared. I'm so afraid, so lost, so caught up that if he ever did break up with ME, i won't be ABLE to LIVE with myself. Sometimes i wonder if i'm OVER protective. But i don't mind that he talks to other girls, that he flirts, that he doesn't ACCOMPANY me to the bus stop. I don't mind all that. What i mind, is me MISSING him too much. Its like, i CAN'T be apart from HIM.

He's might not be the one but for now i think he is. I really REALLY don't want him to GO. It'll be sad. Call me crazy but that's the truth. He picks his MAPLE game over me, he doesn't accompany me home, he has not gotten me anything... yet, we DON't meet up during our break time or anything but somehow, I just FEEL so HAPPY with him around. Sure, he's not my perfect boyfriend but his my FAVOURITE boyfriend. And even now, i MISS him. He just gives me this SECURITY that i never get from my other boyfriends. And sometimes, he just has these MOMENTS that are damn EPIC that makes me like him even more.... He's just great. Really great. My kind of HAPPINESS.

HappyGirl97 on Cloud9

Hello! So, this is going to be part 1 of a story i want to share with EVERYONE. Ok, maybe not everyone.

In secondary2, MY LIFE was a little bit not on track. How do i put it? Okay, summary: I got REJECTED by 2 guys i liked, i was hated by many, i was also chased after by many in a good way. I got really close with one guy that i thought was really annoying in so many ways... and SURPRISINGLY, i somewhat liked him. Then we got really close, we HUNG OUT, talked, shared laughter and all that kind of stuff. Soon enough, people started to say that we were in a relationship, so i thought, WHY NOT? One day, as we were casually talking, we both POPPED the question. just like that, so yea. We were TOGETHER for awhile then things started to go wrong. Like what? Simple, i'm a girl that CHANGES boyfriends like changing CLOTHES. so yea. Mostly my fault. And not to my SURPRISE, we broke up. We were kinda happy i guess? Then we fought etc etc, had sad yet happy moments. 

Then, after a few months, we became FRIENDS  again, this time, in secondary3. Yay! And HE changed alot. I mean, he went from childish, idiotic BOY to lovely, charming and understanding MAN. Thats an awesome change... WHO wouldn't LOVE that?? So, we started hanging out again, i developed WIERD feelings for him. like, really pretty feelings FOR him. So attracted yet devastated... this was the guy i BROKE UP with last year... WOW. i was amazed... BEAUTIFULLY amazed. He kinda IMPROVED in looks, attitude and lots of things i can't even describe. I started these feeling when he asked me for my chemistry ten year series. When he GRABBED that book away from my hand, i felt a shock. An intersting one. 

So one day, we decided to go out and watch movies with some of our friends. YEAP!! thats the day i was gonna make MY move. We went to watch 'The dark knight rises'. You know, that batman movie. In the movies, i was smacked in the centre. 2 guys on my right and 2 more on my left. I was in between the two guys i liked most. Not in a FRIENDLY way, in a 'be mine' kinda way. During the MOVIE, he gave me french fries... FED me french fries at least. Damn, my HEART skipped a beat. That feeling you get when someone surprises you with food.  So, after the movie, we went for DINNER. Again, beautiful way of eating. Its like, everything he does is so... Aspiring.

So, there were supposedly 5 of us but one left so now there were 4. We took the bus home and on the bus, i kept looking at him, and he's FLAWLESS. in a way. So when he reached his stopped, i took out my phone, asked him if he would be in a relationship WITH me. Of course, with the HELP of my 2 male best friends. After a wait, he replied me saying we could TRY it out. PRACTICALLY, a YES. i was happy, real happy. AND, i'm not going to let him GO!!. 

Girl: Ehy hi, can stead?
Boy: With me? Why so sudden?
Girl: Dunno, i just got this glowing feeling...
Boy: Okay, we can try to be together:)
Girl: Yay!
But, in the girl's mind, a HUNDRED questions start to appear. Is it going to WORK out? Is her HEART going to break again? Why did he just AGREE like that? Hmmmm.....

Okay honestly, the girl is just THINKING too much. She asked the guy if they could be together and he said yes. I mean, that's just AWESOME!! So girl, RELAX!! Enjoy the moment....

Okay tell ya'll what, that girl is me HAHA!! ok so byes!! Lame post ever...

Okay, i know its been a while since i posted something but i've not really been in the MOOD to write anything. Today, however is different.

Through being  SAD and lonely, I found COMFORT. In myself. Its like, every time i'm down, i'm crying or when i just feel LOST, i'm comforted by the thought that i'm all ALONE. Its a scary thought but yet, its soothing. Recently, i have been a little bit lost and i ADMIT that my heart has sunken DEEPER than normal but it was during this phase that i found the TRUTH about me. I'm not a HAPPY girl. Not even close. Parts of my LIFE have been a wreck and yes, it does suck. I look on the BRIGHT side, thinking that after a rain there will be a rainbow but it doesn't help. Does it make me FEEL better? No.

What i'm implying is that its OKAY to be sad. Be whatever YOU feel like, Let it out. Who CARES what will happen next. You have to think about that poor HEART of yours. On some days, it wants to let every single thing out and on other days, it JUST wants peace and serenity. We are human beings, we have emotions. We cannot TREAT ourselves like robots. That is not how LIFE works. Life is about having feelings, having EXPERIENCES, gaining opportunities,TAKING chances. We cannot achieve all of this if we don't handle OURSELVES properly.

So remember that we can feel done. No one is stopping us. That's all i have for now.